I fought with myself if I was going to do this today, every time I thought to do this, my tears wouldn’t let me be great! However part of healing is to truly face how you’re feeling…
A letter to my unborn child,
Today, May 10, 2020 I reflect on you! I reflect because today is Mother’s Day, however I think of you daily!
I remember the days leading up to when I was supposed to have a procedure done to see if I could conceive and to my surprise you were already there!
I could remember always feeling tired and nauseous and gaining weight thinking I need to walk more, and rest more, and stop eating certain foods because I couldn’t take being nauseous!
But, it was you! You were conceived, you were growing…
I remember the doctor thinking you were a twin because the levels of HCG were so high, he said we need to test because you might be carrying twins! The joy I had at just thinking you were a single, let alone a double!
However it was just you!
I can remember the joy I had to have finally conceived you. I can remember the fear as well because of all that was going on…but i knew no matter what I wanted you, and would have loved you, raised you, protected you at all cost!
I can remember my spiritual mother saying to me not to worry about anything but your well-being!
I can remember the first day I heard your heart beat, it wasn’t as strong as the doctors wanted. And I prayed and prayed for God to strengthen and protect you. That following week your heart was beating so strong!
I can remember hearing it in the room, lights off, the ultrasound tech was with me, and I recorded your heartbeat!
I sent it to everyone…because I wanted those closest to me to hear you how I heard you!
You were so precious to me, you were so loved by me, and I so wanted you to know that!
On April 5, 2018 I heard your heart beat again, it was so strong, and your ear buds had formed, your arms and legs were forming…you were taking shape right before my eyes and I couldn’t believe it! You had grown so much within a week, you were so strong, so strong the doctors didn’t want to see me until the end of April, April 26, 2018 was my appt.
However so much happened, and mommy’s heart broke, and then your heart broke, and it stopped beating!
I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you…i had no more fight left in me…never would I have wanted to lose you…I was trying my hardest to fight for you.
One thing Mommy knows is that you made me so proud!
I will forever carry your memory with me, I will never forget you, and don’t you ever forget me! We shared the same body, we felt each other, and I’m sorry you had to feel mommy’s heart break!
But even through it all, I love you forever!
You will forever be my angel baby!!!